You just made me feel so damn special
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
