Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this just has baby written all over it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
