I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
