meet me or not, i'm out of control
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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