Im at strip club and am horny
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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