I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
