my mouth tastes like poor choices
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
