Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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