another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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