I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize