Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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