Apparently you make a good broom.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
