24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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