six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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