: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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