Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
