My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
