He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
