hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
