I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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