and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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