Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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