I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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