I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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