Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
