I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
