when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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