He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
