I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
