i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
