I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
