i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
