everyone is single if you try hard enough
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
