My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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