We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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