I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
