John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
