Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm really busy with my period
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