i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
