I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
