i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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