my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
