3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
