Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
