sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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