Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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