and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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