I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This is my gift to your gina
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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