oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
