You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
