Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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