i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
