He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
