Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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