Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I love you. Go after that dick
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
