I seem to have left my pride at pride
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
