ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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